Umm… Congratulations?
People often wonder about the appropriate response when someone gets divorced. I’m in the camp of a resounding “mazel tov!” A congratulatory exclamation of warm wishes and good luck makes every kind of sense as a rough chapter closes and a new one begins.
I am not insensitive to the sadness and pain that inevitably accompany a split. But the end of a bad marriage is a step, however painful, in the right direction – and that’s to be applauded.
So please, please, save the “I’m sorry” for when you accidentally introduce your newly divorced friend as her ex’s wife.
I’ll take the congratulations any day! Gradually being worn down and made invisible over the years really makes me appreciate my new freedom. Even though the divorce was not initiated by me, I have come to a new awareness of how subtle toxicity can be in a long term relationship. So many little ways I bent and accomodated. I was amazed by the surge in energy I received when he left. I recognized that I had lost my ’shine’ and worked diligently to restore it. No crying in the corner for me! Yes, there are still parts that feel broken, but on the whole, I will accept anyone’s congratulatory wish with a smile. : )
Is there really an “appropriate” comment to utter when a woman volunteers the information that she is divorced?
As a man, I feel it depends on the situation (I have been married over 40 years). Sometimes I will ask if she has children, and then we talk about children.
Sometimes I say, “I am sorry he lost you.” Once, when I said that, the lady put her head on my chest and sobbed.
How would you, as a divorcee`, feel about my comments?
Peter
Hi Peter,
Thanks for your thoughts. I can’t imagine what response could be appropriate in all cases — every situation is so different. But something like “I hope it’s working out well for you” usually feels right to me.
Of course if kids are involved, it’s always helpful to ask how they’re doing, but important to do so in an encouraging, positive spirit. The last think a divorcing parent needs is someone harping on how hard the experience can be for kids. Trust me, we’re well aware of that already!
I generally go with congratulations =) that’s what everybody told me when I got divorced because I think we were all relieved! I went so far as to purchase, and still wear to this day, my “congratulations I got divorced” ring – platinum band of diamonds on my right hand. The Ex and I are now friends and whole-heartedly agree we are better off divorced than married.
Great blog!
SJ
I generally go with congrats as well. Usually there is a reason for a divorce, and us being women, it means we usually carry an attitude of “screw you” on our shoulders. Women like to hear that their friends are happy that they are finally getting rid of that dirtbag. So i feel that congratulations is the appropriate response
For me the saying was “The Grass is Greener on the other side”. And it sure was! The weight that was lifted off my shoulders after that divorce was wonderful.
Sometimes instead of saying “I’m sorry to here that”. Just maybe ask that person- “Is it working for you”?
It’s a persons nature to say “I’m sorry to here that”. When people said that to me, I said “OH God no, it was one of the best decisions I made in my lifetime”!