Umm… Congratulations?
People often wonder about the appropriate response when someone gets divorced. I’m in the camp of a resounding “mazel tov!” A congratulatory exclamation of warm wishes and good luck makes every kind of sense as a rough chapter closes and a new one begins.
I am not insensitive to the sadness and pain that inevitably accompany a split. But the end of a bad marriage is a step, however painful, in the right direction – and that’s to be applauded.
So please, please, save the “I’m sorry” for when you accidentally introduce your newly divorced friend as her ex’s wife.
I’ll take the congratulations any day! Gradually being worn down and made invisible over the years really makes me appreciate my new freedom. Even though the divorce was not initiated by me, I have come to a new awareness of how subtle toxicity can be in a long term relationship. So many little ways I bent and accomodated. I was amazed by the surge in energy I received when he left. I recognized that I had lost my ’shine’ and worked diligently to restore it. No crying in the corner for me! Yes, there are still parts that feel broken, but on the whole, I will accept anyone’s congratulatory wish with a smile. : )
Is there really an “appropriate” comment to utter when a woman volunteers the information that she is divorced?
As a man, I feel it depends on the situation (I have been married over 40 years). Sometimes I will ask if she has children, and then we talk about children.
Sometimes I say, “I am sorry he lost you.” Once, when I said that, the lady put her head on my chest and sobbed.
How would you, as a divorcee`, feel about my comments?
Peter
Hi Peter,
Thanks for your thoughts. I can’t imagine what response could be appropriate in all cases — every situation is so different. But something like “I hope it’s working out well for you” usually feels right to me.
Of course if kids are involved, it’s always helpful to ask how they’re doing, but important to do so in an encouraging, positive spirit. The last think a divorcing parent needs is someone harping on how hard the experience can be for kids. Trust me, we’re well aware of that already!
I generally go with congratulations =) that’s what everybody told me when I got divorced because I think we were all relieved! I went so far as to purchase, and still wear to this day, my “congratulations I got divorced” ring – platinum band of diamonds on my right hand. The Ex and I are now friends and whole-heartedly agree we are better off divorced than married.
Great blog!
SJ
I generally go with congrats as well. Usually there is a reason for a divorce, and us being women, it means we usually carry an attitude of “screw you” on our shoulders. Women like to hear that their friends are happy that they are finally getting rid of that dirtbag. So i feel that congratulations is the appropriate response
For me the saying was “The Grass is Greener on the other side”. And it sure was! The weight that was lifted off my shoulders after that divorce was wonderful.
Sometimes instead of saying “I’m sorry to here that”. Just maybe ask that person- “Is it working for you”?
It’s a persons nature to say “I’m sorry to here that”. When people said that to me, I said “OH God no, it was one of the best decisions I made in my lifetime”!
Well, so many people feed the concept that when a relationship ends that is a bad thing. Why does it have to be bad thing to divorce if it was a toxic situation that existed in the relationship?
I once listened to a preacher go on about how marriage is the key and he did a whole sermon on staying together. I was thinking that he was preaching the ideal sermon for ideal relationships. However, I don’t think that someone who has been physically or emotionally abused by their spouse, having to go through years of living with a spouse that suffers substance abuse, or have a spouse that constantly cheats on them, or a spouse that jeopadizes their financial well-being through gambling and scams shoud have to stay married to that person. Needless to say, I did not totally agree with what the preacher was preaching, because there are times when it’s better to depart then to stay. In those cases, I say congrats on the divorce and may life bring you someone who will cherish you and bring you happiness throughout your life.
As far i have noticed, women are good and they are usually like boys. i mean that women and men are equal in most of the aspects. not only men have attractiveness to good looking girls but women too have attractiveness to good looking men.
but one thing i have to tell you that men is flexible before committed to any relationships (sexually or dating), like they even love a less – good looking girl and sorry to say that i have seen no girl (mostly less – good looking) ever wants to commit or atleast be a good friend to a less – good looking boy !!!!!!!!!
in this aspect women have to change !!!!!!!
This message is mainly to those women or girls(less – good looking). And am very sorry for using the word “less good looking” , because i cant use the word “bad looking” as i believe that no one in this world, men or women are Bad looking
