Stand by your… ?

I saw a crazy thing on TV the other day. A decade or more into marriage, the husband decided to switch genders and fulfill his lifelong yearning to live as a woman. The wife stood by her partner through the whole transition (yes, surgery), and at the time the segment was taped they were living as female couple, raising their children together.

 I’d be the first one to applaud their happiness… if only they were happy. But watching the show, anyone could see that they’re not. The original wife doesn’t consider herself a lesbian and has no interest in giving it a whirl (fair enough – it’s not what she signed up for). The former husband still desires her partner (in vain), but longs to check out the other team as well. Yet they stay together, both lonely and both resentful, unbreakably bound by an explicit mutual desire “not to be divorced.”

 Yes, I know that there is such a thing as a sexless marriage that still brings fulfillment and joy. But that’s not what this looked like. It looked like two people willfully clinging to a sinking ship, because neither was willing to be responsible for ending the marriage. And while this couple’s circumstances are extraordinary, their “married at all costs” dynamic is not.

 I guess some might admire their loyalty, but for me it seemed so sad. If ever there were a case where divorce makes sense, this has to be it. And while I’m not so naïve as to deny the social stigma faced by those who choose to divorce (especially when kids are involved), you’d think these two people would be well past the need to conform, what with the sex change and all.

 Obviously 30 minutes of prime time viewing doesn’t qualify me to judge this couple’s choices – or even to pretend to understand them. But their story got me thinking about lifelong personal growth and mutual acceptance in marriage, and that elusive balance between honoring the union and honoring yourself. I guess it’s a line that each of us has to draw – and sometimes cross – for herself.