I recently heard a twice-divorced woman describe herself as a “two-time loser.” Ouch. It got me thinking about just how embarrassing it is to end a marriage.
When we talk about the emotional journey of divorce, great epic feelings like Pain, Fear and Loneliness tend to hog all the airtime. But I think embarrassment belongs right up there on the list. After all, the fear of looking like a loser is pretty potent stuff.
And there are plenty of reasons why going single might have just that effect; widespread tsk-tsking over high divorce rates, unflattering stereotypes of sad middle-agers alone with their vibrators, gruesome phrases like “broken home.” All of this noise may be nonsense – but it can be hard to tune out.
And let’s face it; setting aside unjust prejudices and nasty stereotypes, divorce is embarrassing. It’s an acknowledgement to all the world that you made a solemn vow, and failed to see it through. And while the “leaver” and the “left” may have very different takes on the situation, this basic fact of a misguided promise holds true no matter which side of the divorce decision you wound up on.
Yep, divorce means you blew it. And I think that’s wonderful. The faster you can acknowledge your own role in the mistake-making of your marriage, the sooner you can get on with forgiving yourself and, most importantly, learning how and why you went astray to begin with. Maybe that’s where our “two-time loser” still has some work to do, and I certainly wish her well.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not encouraging harsh self-blame or any such unkind act. But I do believe real happiness requires us to suck up our embarrassment, let go of being right all the time and make room for mistakes – even big, bad ones – as a route to greater wisdom.
In my experience, flourishing post-divorce demands a certain willingness to feel like an idiot once in a while. And that’s the best defense I’ve found against feeling like a loser.
Posted in: Uncategorized.
Tagged: divorce · divorce shame · divorce stigma · forgiveness · women's divorce experience
I saw a crazy thing on TV the other day. A decade or more into marriage, the husband decided to switch genders and fulfill his lifelong yearning to live as a woman. The wife stood by her partner through the whole transition (yes, surgery), and at the time the segment was taped they were living as female couple, raising their children together.
I’d be the first one to applaud their happiness… if only they were happy. But watching the show, anyone could see that they’re not. The original wife doesn’t consider herself a lesbian and has no interest in giving it a whirl (fair enough – it’s not what she signed up for). The former husband still desires her partner (in vain), but longs to check out the other team as well. Yet they stay together, both lonely and both resentful, unbreakably bound by an explicit mutual desire “not to be divorced.”
Yes, I know that there is such a thing as a sexless marriage that still brings fulfillment and joy. But that’s not what this looked like. It looked like two people willfully clinging to a sinking ship, because neither was willing to be responsible for ending the marriage. And while this couple’s circumstances are extraordinary, their “married at all costs” dynamic is not.
I guess some might admire their loyalty, but for me it seemed so sad. If ever there were a case where divorce makes sense, this has to be it. And while I’m not so naïve as to deny the social stigma faced by those who choose to divorce (especially when kids are involved), you’d think these two people would be well past the need to conform, what with the sex change and all.
Obviously 30 minutes of prime time viewing doesn’t qualify me to judge this couple’s choices – or even to pretend to understand them. But their story got me thinking about lifelong personal growth and mutual acceptance in marriage, and that elusive balance between honoring the union and honoring yourself. I guess it’s a line that each of us has to draw – and sometimes cross – for herself.
Posted in: Uncategorized.
Tagged: divorce · transgender · women's divorce experience
My friend Martha divorced around the same time I did. We didn’t know each other then, but wound up neighbors after we both moved from our Marital Estates into sensible little easy-care townhouses.
As we became friends, Martha inspired me: She ran her own business. She biked to the gym every morning. She grew her own cucumbers and turned them into pickles.
And I like to think I inspired Martha: I dated like crazy, entertaining the neighborhood with tales from the trenches of Match.com.
I have yet to make pickles, but I have grown a few fine vegetables. As for Martha, she’s rekindled an old flame, now hot enough to make her blush in the telling.
Martha is 63. Surprised?
Posted in: Uncategorized.
Tagged: dating · divorce · friendship · older divorce · older women
Umm… Congratulations?
People often wonder about the appropriate response when someone gets divorced. I’m in the camp of a resounding “mazel tov!” A congratulatory exclamation of warm wishes and good luck makes every kind of sense as a rough chapter closes and a new one begins.
I am not insensitive to the sadness and pain that inevitably accompany a split. But the end of a bad marriage is a step, however painful, in the right direction – and that’s to be applauded.
So please, please, save the “I’m sorry” for when you accidentally introduce your newly divorced friend as her ex’s wife.
Posted in: Uncategorized.
Tagged: divorce · divorce etiquette · women's divorce experience
If you’re like me, you’re reading a stranger’s divorce blog because that’s a whole lot easier than talking about the subject with your friends. But I hope you’re not like me, because if there’s one piece of advice I’d like to foist on the unhappily coupled (or uncoupled) of the world, it’s quit brooding and start complaining out loud.
Of course yakking about your troubles easier said than done. After all, if you never talk about it to anyone, it’s practically as if the problem doesn’t exist at all, right? Plus there’s that so-wrong-but-so-strong desire to be perfect that afflicts pretty much everyone. And don’t forget the silencing power of plain old embarrassment.
For me, it took about three years of therapy and painful experiences too numerous to recount before I finally picked up the phone and spilled my unhappiness to a friend. I’d recommend getting there more quickly if you can (and sharing on this blog might be a good start).
As I came tearfully clean, I was amazed to see that the sky didn’t fall and the earth didn’t swallow me up whole. In fact, it felt pretty good. When it was over, I still had a miserable marriage to contend with, and a scary divorce ahead. But I also had a friend to help me handle it – a friend who loved me no less for being, in that moment, about as far from perfect as it’s possible to be. And in the end, that made all the difference.
Addendum
True and important: Talking out loud about your relationship problems is not just a great way to get beyond a bad marriage – it’s also an essential skill for saving a good one.
Posted in: Uncategorized.
Tagged: divorce · divorce advice · divorce coping · life after divorce · women's divorce experience
I’ve got a problem with the phrase “my ex.” It might just be that it makes me feel like a character in a bad country song, but I think there’s more to it.
It’s the “my” part that bugs me. I prefer to reserve that descriptor for the positive things I cherish: my family, my friends, my work, my fabulous haircut. And while the man I once married is not so bad as exes go, cherish him I do not. So without conscious effort, I’ve become an expert at avoiding the possessive.
Of course my discomfort with “my ex” is silly, and probably a little juvenile. As the father of my children, he is unquestionably “mine” – bound to play a significant role in my life. And to pretend anything else would be a disservice to the kids. I understand all of this, and work hard to live by it.
Nevertheless, when it comes to casual conversation, I’ll keep the “my” for myself.
Posted in: Uncategorized.
Tagged: divorce · divorce etiquette · ex husband · women's divorce experience
