I recently heard a twice-divorced woman describe herself as a “two-time loser.” Ouch. It got me thinking about just how embarrassing it is to end a marriage.
When we talk about the emotional journey of divorce, great epic feelings like Pain, Fear and Loneliness tend to hog all the airtime. But I think embarrassment belongs right up there on the list. After all, the fear of looking like a loser is pretty potent stuff.
And there are plenty of reasons why going single might have just that effect; widespread tsk-tsking over high divorce rates, unflattering stereotypes of sad middle-agers alone with their vibrators, gruesome phrases like “broken home.” All of this noise may be nonsense – but it can be hard to tune out.
And let’s face it; setting aside unjust prejudices and nasty stereotypes, divorce is embarrassing. It’s an acknowledgement to all the world that you made a solemn vow, and failed to see it through. And while the “leaver” and the “left” may have very different takes on the situation, this basic fact of a misguided promise holds true no matter which side of the divorce decision you wound up on.
Yep, divorce means you blew it. And I think that’s wonderful. The faster you can acknowledge your own role in the mistake-making of your marriage, the sooner you can get on with forgiving yourself and, most importantly, learning how and why you went astray to begin with. Maybe that’s where our “two-time loser” still has some work to do, and I certainly wish her well.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not encouraging harsh self-blame or any such unkind act. But I do believe real happiness requires us to suck up our embarrassment, let go of being right all the time and make room for mistakes – even big, bad ones – as a route to greater wisdom.
In my experience, flourishing post-divorce demands a certain willingness to feel like an idiot once in a while. And that’s the best defense I’ve found against feeling like a loser.
Liz:
Great blog. I love, love, LOVE your ability to cut right to it, acknowledge the pain and nastiness of it all…and then encourage us to move forward with grace and forgiveness…especially for ourselves. It really is all a learning experience, and if you stop to soak it in and accept your humanity (as you have) it will most definitely lead to greater happiness and contentment (both in yourself and in your relationships).
I’m quite sure you’re helping many women get through it and come out the other end.
I have to say that any real shame I feel is not related to getting a divorce, but instead, is for staying in a horrendous marriage as long as I did. I work on being forgiving, and am reasonably successful, but every once in a while I am compelled to beat myself up a bit for “being stupid.” Frankly, I have also spent some energy congratulating myself for finally getting myself and children out of what was a traumatic and dangerous situation. We have been able to move on to a more peaceful life, but because the divorce is not done, it is challenging to not occasionally reflect back on the year’s leading up to it. I spend too much time thinking, “If only I’d left 2 years ago, 6 years ago, 10 years ago,…” I was in too much denial, and then too scared to leave. That is what I am ashamed of, that I let fear get in the way of rescuing myself and my children. Instead, I was scared every day, in my own home. Now, I practice being brave and strong, not easy as I negotiate so slowly through this seemingly interminable divorce process. I am flourishing, and mostly at peace, except for the fact that my ex is trying to punish me by hurting our children. I will protect them, with every ounce of strength I have. Sorry to go on, I guess I needed to vent!
Karen, thanks so much for the comment. I love how you used the words “practice being brave and strong.” You are so right, those qualities don’t just happen on their own — they require practice, and with practice, you get better at it. I relate to so much of what you said. I hope you’ll keep reading! -Liz
Great post- I admire your ability to be so honest about topics like this.