My ex-husband came with a number of serious flaws and some truly fabulous old ladies. Most notably, a great aunt we’ll call Josephine, who epitomized the gracious Southern Dame.
Well into her seventies, Josie was beautiful in a way that had nothing to do with preserving the trappings of youth. It was all about elegant carriage, a keen eye for a well-cut pantsuit and a glowing complexion that was even more lovely for its lines.
Naturally I asked her secret. “The key to lasting beauty,” she confided, “is a grateful heart.”
I love this for a lot of reasons. First of all, I’m convinced it’s true – so I try (with varying success) to make counting my blessings as routine as applying my SPF. But I also love that this gem of a lesson – indeed, this gem of a woman – came to me through a man and a marriage that also brought a world of pain. It feels fitting, because I’m sure that when Josie counseled gratitude, she wasn’t simply suggesting I should appreciate life’s high points. She was much too smart, and had lived too long, for such a narrow view.
A truly grateful heart grows larger and richer through the very experiences that might otherwise cause it to shrink and harden. And while I’m sure it would have saddened Josie to see my marriage end, I like to think the path I’ve followed since would have made her proud.
But will it make me beautiful? Who knows. The good news is that when pressed, Josie acknowledged she did, on occasion, visit the Elizabeth Arden counter.
Grateful or positive? Studies have shown that people who have more positive attitudes live longer and are in better health than those who are more pessimistic. Sometimes, we dip our cup into the well of gratitude but only come up with a few drops. Still, this should be enough. We don’t have be overwhelmed or overwhelm Will be be greatful eventually
Agreed, Susan. Sometimes trying to conjure a sense of gratitude in the middle of hardship is just unreasonable! But in my experience, even the most difficult experiences yield up some kind of positive lesson or insight after enough time has passed. Thanks very much for reading. — Elizabeth
Change is hard, and the total life change caused by divorce is like gold being refined in the crucible. I guess the important thing to remember during the process is that we are of infinite worth. For many of us, our sense of self has totally been replaced by the sense of ‘us.’ Now that ‘us’ doesn’t exist, we must slowly not only regain the sense of self, but the value of self.
If I could personify gold, I would guess that it would feel great agony at having the impurities burned out of it, even as we feel pain at our own process. However, what is left is pure and valuable. Facing the process with as much positive as we can at the moment does more than just prepare us (me) for gratitude in the future, but keeps us (me) facing forward and moving forward, even with small steps. The gratitude will come.
I am grateful now for small things related to the divorce, such as not only having the support of my family and friends, but finding that my coworkers have been united in supporting me; that HIS family have been there supporting me (he cut ties with his own family even as he cut them with me). I feel like I have an entire cheering section or even army there to cheer me on, to pick me up when I stumble. With their help, support and cheering, I am picking myself up and moving on. I am trying to make positive changes in my life–try new things just for me. I know I’m already making positive changes in my life, and for this alone, I’m grateful. Give me a year or two, and I suspect I’ll even say I’m extremely grateful for all of it, including the pain, as from the pain is coming new life and growth.