I recently encountered the title “professional lifestylist” – and I snorted out loud.
I could understand hiring someone to cut your hair, pick your paint colors or even organize your closets. But a lifestylist? Does every element of our existence really require professional help?
But on further consideration, I asked myself, why not? After all, I like to think of myself as a great believer in psychotherapists, personal trainers, career consultants and the dozens of other people you might call in for backup. Surely a good lifestylist could offer elements of all these fine helpers, rolled into one. More importantly, even though I choked on the jargon, the drive to “style” a life – to consciously create your own experience – is not to be knocked.
It occurs to me that my initial knee-jerk negativity probably has more to do with my own latent discomfort about needing help than with the merits of those who provide it – regardless of their title.
So I’d like to tip my hat to the lifestylists of the world. You might be onto something, and I may be calling yet.
Posted in: Uncategorized.
Tagged: divorce · lifestyle · self help · therapy · women's divorce experience
I recently heard a twice-divorced woman describe herself as a “two-time loser.” Ouch. It got me thinking about just how embarrassing it is to end a marriage.
When we talk about the emotional journey of divorce, great epic feelings like Pain, Fear and Loneliness tend to hog all the airtime. But I think embarrassment belongs right up there on the list. After all, the fear of looking like a loser is pretty potent stuff.
And there are plenty of reasons why going single might have just that effect; widespread tsk-tsking over high divorce rates, unflattering stereotypes of sad middle-agers alone with their vibrators, gruesome phrases like “broken home.” All of this noise may be nonsense – but it can be hard to tune out.
And let’s face it; setting aside unjust prejudices and nasty stereotypes, divorce is embarrassing. It’s an acknowledgement to all the world that you made a solemn vow, and failed to see it through. And while the “leaver” and the “left” may have very different takes on the situation, this basic fact of a misguided promise holds true no matter which side of the divorce decision you wound up on.
Yep, divorce means you blew it. And I think that’s wonderful. The faster you can acknowledge your own role in the mistake-making of your marriage, the sooner you can get on with forgiving yourself and, most importantly, learning how and why you went astray to begin with. Maybe that’s where our “two-time loser” still has some work to do, and I certainly wish her well.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not encouraging harsh self-blame or any such unkind act. But I do believe real happiness requires us to suck up our embarrassment, let go of being right all the time and make room for mistakes – even big, bad ones – as a route to greater wisdom.
In my experience, flourishing post-divorce demands a certain willingness to feel like an idiot once in a while. And that’s the best defense I’ve found against feeling like a loser.
Posted in: Uncategorized.
Tagged: divorce · divorce shame · divorce stigma · forgiveness · women's divorce experience
I saw a crazy thing on TV the other day. A decade or more into marriage, the husband decided to switch genders and fulfill his lifelong yearning to live as a woman. The wife stood by her partner through the whole transition (yes, surgery), and at the time the segment was taped they were living as female couple, raising their children together.
I’d be the first one to applaud their happiness… if only they were happy. But watching the show, anyone could see that they’re not. The original wife doesn’t consider herself a lesbian and has no interest in giving it a whirl (fair enough – it’s not what she signed up for). The former husband still desires her partner (in vain), but longs to check out the other team as well. Yet they stay together, both lonely and both resentful, unbreakably bound by an explicit mutual desire “not to be divorced.”
Yes, I know that there is such a thing as a sexless marriage that still brings fulfillment and joy. But that’s not what this looked like. It looked like two people willfully clinging to a sinking ship, because neither was willing to be responsible for ending the marriage. And while this couple’s circumstances are extraordinary, their “married at all costs” dynamic is not.
I guess some might admire their loyalty, but for me it seemed so sad. If ever there were a case where divorce makes sense, this has to be it. And while I’m not so naïve as to deny the social stigma faced by those who choose to divorce (especially when kids are involved), you’d think these two people would be well past the need to conform, what with the sex change and all.
Obviously 30 minutes of prime time viewing doesn’t qualify me to judge this couple’s choices – or even to pretend to understand them. But their story got me thinking about lifelong personal growth and mutual acceptance in marriage, and that elusive balance between honoring the union and honoring yourself. I guess it’s a line that each of us has to draw – and sometimes cross – for herself.
Posted in: Uncategorized.
Tagged: divorce · transgender · women's divorce experience
My friend Martha divorced around the same time I did. We didn’t know each other then, but wound up neighbors after we both moved from our Marital Estates into sensible little easy-care townhouses.
As we became friends, Martha inspired me: She ran her own business. She biked to the gym every morning. She grew her own cucumbers and turned them into pickles.
And I like to think I inspired Martha: I dated like crazy, entertaining the neighborhood with tales from the trenches of Match.com.
I have yet to make pickles, but I have grown a few fine vegetables. As for Martha, she’s rekindled an old flame, now hot enough to make her blush in the telling.
Martha is 63. Surprised?
Posted in: Uncategorized.
Tagged: dating · divorce · friendship · older divorce · older women
My ex-husband came with a number of serious flaws and some truly fabulous old ladies. Most notably, a great aunt we’ll call Josephine, who epitomized the gracious Southern Dame.
Well into her seventies, Josie was beautiful in a way that had nothing to do with preserving the trappings of youth. It was all about elegant carriage, a keen eye for a well-cut pantsuit and a glowing complexion that was even more lovely for its lines.
Naturally I asked her secret. “The key to lasting beauty,” she confided, “is a grateful heart.”
I love this for a lot of reasons. First of all, I’m convinced it’s true – so I try (with varying success) to make counting my blessings as routine as applying my SPF. But I also love that this gem of a lesson – indeed, this gem of a woman – came to me through a man and a marriage that also brought a world of pain. It feels fitting, because I’m sure that when Josie counseled gratitude, she wasn’t simply suggesting I should appreciate life’s high points. She was much too smart, and had lived too long, for such a narrow view.
A truly grateful heart grows larger and richer through the very experiences that might otherwise cause it to shrink and harden. And while I’m sure it would have saddened Josie to see my marriage end, I like to think the path I’ve followed since would have made her proud.
But will it make me beautiful? Who knows. The good news is that when pressed, Josie acknowledged she did, on occasion, visit the Elizabeth Arden counter.
Posted in: Uncategorized.
Tagged: aging gracefully · divorce · ex husband · life after divorce · skincare · women's divorce experience
Umm… Congratulations?
People often wonder about the appropriate response when someone gets divorced. I’m in the camp of a resounding “mazel tov!” A congratulatory exclamation of warm wishes and good luck makes every kind of sense as a rough chapter closes and a new one begins.
I am not insensitive to the sadness and pain that inevitably accompany a split. But the end of a bad marriage is a step, however painful, in the right direction – and that’s to be applauded.
So please, please, save the “I’m sorry” for when you accidentally introduce your newly divorced friend as her ex’s wife.
Posted in: Uncategorized.
Tagged: divorce · divorce etiquette · women's divorce experience
